tired..

mondae.. 16/05
dear came my place ard twelve.. to see mi.. watched tv awhile before took mi to bed and wanted to put mi to sleep.. i said i din wanna slp though i was real tired..

dear asked mi if i felt he loved mi more.. i felt he was different though.. not tt he loved mi more.. jus tt he came to look mi up slightly more.. and tt jus set mi thinkin.. was it purely u dear.. or coz u see mi in such a bad state durin this period of time so u wanna do somethin jus to help cheer mi up.. and when u think im better already.. u start to get mood swings and shut urself up again?! and den i'd be left alone to think stewpid things all over again?? if tts the case i feel i wanna be in a bad mood forever.. coz tts when i know i hav ur FULL attention.. baby.. do u know wat im thinkin how im feelin why im behavin this way.. i wish i had got a clue too....

we sat on my bed and talked.. he asked, why ger wats troublin u.. i said, i dunno either.. i was only thinkin of the things tt could hav happened.. bad things tt could hav happen.. thinkin dear is always hav a bad day coz of mi.. dear always dun tell mi things.. everytime dear's in a bad mood he jus shuts himself up.. everytime i wanna get things to turn out fine.. it ended the other way round.. i said i hate seeing dear feel frustrated and agitated all over.. feelin tired and restless.. even especially when he's wif mi... like im no longer anythin to him..
dear sigh.. tellin mi things to reassure mi.. to make mi feel comfortable.. tt i was his only moral support and all.. tt was truely awesome for mi.. its the very very first time i ever heard anything so sweet from my dearest.. its so dream come true kinda feelin tt i get..i shall keep it all to myself.. see dear off the door soon after..

din cry.. but i teared to sleep though.. coz i jus couldnt help it again.. ..

jus before dear left.. dear told mi he was serious in all tt he said.. and not jus for show.. dun take it lightly..

tuesday..17/05
went home after sch.. wanted to go down meet dear if not meetin jw.. to buy some food over and jus enjoy it wif dear.. but den dear called mi up.. and he sounded so happie.. asked mi out for dinner.. but it jus din went well.. i spoil the whole conversation.. on the way home.. i cried.. and cried.. and felt soo lost again.. called jw.. couldnt get thru.. called serene.. couldnt get thru either.. tot of him.. and my heart ached so much.. coz im thinkin again.. bout those.. but when i got home.. i was fine already.. jus felt my head so heavy i needa lie down.. msg dear and kinda sort things out.. den went to slp soon after.. but i kept wakin up in the middle of the nite.. wat gd use of slpin early..

wednesdae..18/05
woke up tellin myself i needa stop.. make an effort to stop.. erase tt part of the memory..once and for all.. or dear would go crazy and leave mi for real.. had been sort of seein myself in my parents when they quarrel or in an arguement.. will tt be my future??

dear came to my place..and for the first time in so long.. soo soo long.. i felt things are gettin better.. chatted wif dear on msn.. saw dear's room.. miss havin dinner at his place.. i miss his mum too.. nv miss mine though.. how funny..

soon dear came.. had some snacks.. den dear changed up to his pyjamas haha.. his very own pyjamas at my place.. haha.. den started to study.. but my baby.. a baby is always a baby.. baby mus entertain first den can listen to u de.. haha.. so... hhaha.. den soon i left dear alone in the room..

brought in his cup of water.. to realise dear laffin .. den mumbling to himself kind.. haa.. very cute see dear tryin to fake he din see the present i got for him.. ahh.. doesnt matter much la.. it was meant for him anywayz.. hope dear liked it.. no chance to get it changed le.. together we changed the wallet.. i hope watever dear do wherever he is.. he feels there's a part of mi wif mi.. am i too selfish to wan him to think of mi.. haha.. dear hugged mi tight.. tt hug i will remember alwaes.. coz i feel us really huggin.. those are the kind i cal a hug.. sumtimes i really wish i stand 1.70cm or taller.. but too bad i hav to face reality..

stayed up till ard three.. den we went to bed.. i sneakily climbed into his under covers.. tucked him nicely.. den lie on his shoulders.. all was quiet and dark.. den i kissed him on the cheek.. and.. he said thanks gerl.. i immediately opened my eyes wide.. dear was exceptionally emotion and sweet.. but felt rather weird dear said thanks though.. he made mi feel all was worth it.. really..

thursdae..19/05
woke up this mornin to feel so good.. coz dear was ard.. but dearest bro had to spoil my every single morning.. and dear had to see the way i wake up every mornin.. so pls every one out there.. pls appreciate the light rays every mornin tt enters ur room.. and to the start of a new day.. coz mine will never be peaceful.. haha.. but wat to do.. my little bro ma.. haiz.. we were early.. even before eight we were sittin in the living room eatin cornflakes.. im sorry dear.. alwaes no breakfast for u..

im jus so happie the whole of today.. and even sean and gerald saw mi a little different today.. all think i crazy.. haha.. jus kept talkin and laffin.. coz everything went well.. actually is because.. dear is in a good mood.. his mood very much affects mi.. so long as he's happy i'll be ..

my intuition tells mi its not gonna be a good weather for pe somehow.. and since i din feel like havin pe.. i din bring any attire and true enuff it started raining when it was close to five..

dear jus called.. said he wasnt feelin good.. dun feel good.. dun wanna tell mi wats wrong.. jus dun feel good.. wanna throw it out.. wanna let it out wanna scold somebody.. he jus wanna thrash it.. can already hear the irritation over the phone loh..

here it is agian dear.. i hope to be of help to u.. but i cant when i dun noe wats goin through ur mind.. take u in my position.. can u understand.. when u jus put mi down like tt.. i dun mind.. can understand when u feel restless moody.. u jus feel it isnt going ur way.. but EVERY single time its the same.. make mi feel real lousy eh.. leave it..

promised to rest early.. i hope u sleep well tonight dear.. rest well.. watch ur diet.. i dun wan ur BP rising.. love u .. always..