fcuked up!!

i had a glimpse of myself in the future.. behaving the way jus like my mother is.. i fear it would be reality.. i feel more like her.. especially when i shouted and lost myself the other nite.. i became so ridiculously unreasonable.. had the feeling of hatred, annoyance, disturbed and lonely all at once.. no one.. NO ONE will ever understand.. how it would hav felt..
jus like a small helpless littly fly.. being smacked to the bottom of the ground.. no one will ever notice.. no one will ever bother.. no one to empathaise or even sympathise on.. pathetic.. tts mi..

had this feelin so strong.. *&^%$#@!

i appreciate ppl whu care for mi and loves mi.. but do they care and love mi for whu i am? or are all human jus another bunch of hyprocrates??

i feel...
dear needs to be taken care of.. dear needs attention.. everyone needs attentions.. dear wans a good girl.. who listen's to him.. all his do's and dont's.. dear needs someone whu can give more.. more than mi.. all these.. i feel i cant achieve.. as im growing more towards learning the attitude of mother... this irks mi.. a whole lot.. how to explain? how to expect one to understand when u cant even explain it on ur own?? help..

i feel...
i need to be taken care off too.. i need attention too.. i wan someone to listen to my nonsence too.. someone who can give so much not askin any for return.. sounds like im askin for god.. maybe i should ask for god's help.. its been a long time since i last talked to god in heart and share wif him.. help..

i feel tired.. emotionally, physically and mentally..

i feel im being a nuisance.. im giving up hope.. on myself.. leaving it all plainly to fate.. for it to tell mi the directions in life..

it was a close shave..back den on jiu yue jiu hao.. (9Sep) dear say.. all those.. it felt so so real.. to mi its jus like a truth le.. please dun ever let history repeat again okies.. its hard for mi to feel alright again.. dun u know.. even till the next day.. i dun even feel natural callin u dear anymore..

i feel as though we are already going on seperate ways.. even though we met that nite..
i was contented and relieved when u finally open your mouth and finally spoke to mi.. so happie that i realise i got u back to my side..cant wait to see you.. so happie i got choke tryin to tell u im glad u finally spoke to mi.. but in the very next min.. im not at all happie..its feels so weird.. i feel im living on a chance only.. do u understand.. i feel im not loved anymore.. i hav caused u too much disappointment..

please dun let mi feel u dun wan mi anymore.. if so tel mi straight.. and tts it and i'll try not to cry and walk away forever le..okies.. or it'll feel weird.. u understand?

though u emphasized everything is fine already.. but im in the state of mixed feelings le.. already lost myself in thoughts le.. i need u to pull mi out from it..

since we seldom talk bout ur feelings.. i shall guess..
i guess u feel.. lost too..mus be asking youself wats happen to mi.. to begin changing.. and giving up on myself.. wheres the cute little innocent adeline.. why do i hav to add on to your endless stress at work and money and time.. and in time to come.. you're going to army.. maybe sumtimes u even wonder.. why in the first place.. mi?? why is it mi.. i feel.. u mus be very sad.. that i've changed.. and that u blamed yourself for not being able to guan wo.. you feel very lousy.. very tired too?? u wan a change in life.. cant wait for something big to happen.. to sickenin of this routine life le.. is that wat u're thinkin dear?? thinkin that why is it always so hard for mi to stay over your place even jus for one nite.. why so hard for mi to get my parents trust.. why do i hav to hav a family that behaves so differently from the rest of the familes.. why a weird family.. why do i hav to be the one u love and hate at the same time.. is that wat u thinking dear?? actually its quite fun though.. trying to guess what u could hav been thinkin all these while.. yea theres more.. i wanna be the worm in your brains in my next life.. so i can be in ur head all these while.. and yet know wat u're thinking all the time.. haha.. i mus be mad..

i miss you again.. im thinking of you again.. u're always on the back of my head.. above everything or anything i do.. always think bout u.. forgive mi for feelin scared.. but i feel im walking on thin ice.. i'll fall anytime.. are you thinking of mi.. do u ever miss mi.. maybe u did.. but i dunno only.. coz u wun say out too..

im slowly regaining conscious.. but i need u ard still.. help mi out.. okies??

Life's Struggles

A man found a cocoon of an emperor moth. He took it home so that he could watch the moth come out of the cocoon. On the day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the moth for several hours as the moth struggled to force the body through that little hole.

The moth seemed to be stuck and appeared to have stopped making progress. It seemed as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. The man, in his kindness, decided to help the moth; so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The moth then emerged easily. But its body was swollen and small, its wings wrinkled and shriveled. The man continued to watch the moth because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to and able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the little moth spent the rest of its life crawling around with a small, swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

The man in his kindness and haste did not understand that the struggle required for the moth to get through the tiny opening was necessary to force fluid from the body of the moth into its wings so that it would be ready for flight upon achieving its freedom from the cocoon. Freedom and flight would only come after the struggle. By depriving the moth of a struggle, he deprived the moth of health.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets, and don’t forget the power in the struggle.

~i miss you baby.. am really thankful for u.. for everything.. all the happie or sad moments.. all the happie and sad tears u brought to mi.. im thankful u entered my life then.. i love u.. thank you..

no one should

shout at the top of their lungs at their loved ones..
no one should

point fingers at their loved ones..
no one should

make one another cry jus cause u're in a foul mood ..
no one should

wake the whole family up in the middle of the night..
no one should..

but i did..

im hurt..

speechless..

**lost it.. i totally lost it..

baby..

mondae.. 5/09

went home as usual after work.. din go find dear though i felt like it..
felt lonely somehow.. din feel rite.. dun wanna go home..

had noddles den went out to meet anto and sis and bro.. yasi was ard too.. wif jasmine and jj i think.. not too sure.. guys left and i was left alone talkin to anto.. felt his pain.. haiz.. so big le still like one small kid kind.. only think of others.. chatted awhile den went home le..

went home.. din feel well.. vomited my dinner.. my noodles..
msg dear and had a pleasant talk..
my baby jus made my day though its already the end of the day le..
thank you baby..

**listening to my frens' one by one.. listen their stories.. suddenly feel im really lucky to hav u ard dear..jus like a jigsaw puzzle and the missing piece.. its u i feel.. that made mi complete.. my missing piece.. glad i found you..

hmmz... went baby place yesterday.. hope baby slept well.. rushed a little.. coz i din wanna be too late.. was already runnin late le.. den almost forgot to take my uniform for work later.. im sorry i know i shouldnt even be workin today.. evn more tml..

came to work.. waited for bus 31 for quite some time.. finally it came.. den reached scs only.. it rained like dunno wat.. so cold in here.. den faster meet huiling to clarify mistakes to amend.. den finished it all in half hrs time.. i took the whole day to do same thing yesterday.. wth.. haha.. so glad dear called.. jus wanna brighten him up.. but i hav to disappoint him.. i know its my fault.. regrettin now..

sharp pain in my tummy jus now.. den later went out for lunch loh.. felt not rite.. den went to toilet.. and holy shit.. of all times it had to be now..aunts visit wth.. joey acc mi all the way.. thanx ger.. went to the stewpit small cramped toilet.. den went to line up to get cash at the posb.. its drizzlin already.. not rainin.. den went to 7 eleven.. buy 'mian bao'.. den ger went buy food first.. so i decided to go find another toilet.. found one at the opp hawker.. this time need pay so i tot better environment maybe.. went in quite clean.. later found out all the toilet bowl choked loh!! stewpit.. only the last cubicle 'safe' to go in de.. haiz.. no appetite.. but ate finish my food anywayz.. yea.. kept lookin at my phone coz im hopin maybe to receive a msg from dear..prolly his restin or sleepin ba.. left hawker time started to rain like mad dogs again.. yea.. so took cab back to scs.. haha.. got rid of all my nine ten cent coins tt i paid in return for my toilet trip.. wth.. back in office le.. cold.. begin to realise my moods changin.. sianz.. msg al my frens to ask if anyone can help mi at 12 to 4 tml.. but no one replied.. only june.. all the way till now.. den they reply say not free.. sianz liao.. i really wanna pei dear..

his doc changed his antibiotics for him.. a stronger one.. extend his mc till sat.. my baby's really sick.. there's one thing i dread now.. him not letting mi to visit him.. baby take care.. shant disturb u le.. hope u'll leave mi a msg once in a while to tel mi u're fine okies.. take care baby.. i love u okies.. rest well..

sat.. 27/08

happie birthday to hui fen and shermaine jie..
went to work.. din get to use the phone.. left it charging at home..
went home wif june.. long time no go home wif june le.. :) anyways.. i've got to see Imanaka san againz.. :) but i can see he looks so frail and pale..he got sick.. too sick to even talk much wif mi that day.. i jus stood by in case he wans to order more.. he still goes for his lessons though he's sick.. wat a nice old responsible and stubborn man.. haa.. meant it as a joke.. but his sick so should rest at home rite.. hmm.. heart pain.. im using the little dolphin chain that he gave to mi as a little present for the pen i made him.. i liked it.. its on my new phone now.. always wif mi.. hee.. somehow his like a grand pa to mi..

sunday.. 28/08

worked..
baby fetched mi home:)

mondae.. 29/08

woke up early morning.. brought along my pants to alter my zip.. yea it burst on mi.. haha.. fat liaoz.. haha.. but stewpit mi forgot to bring it along wif mi after work.. left it in the office.. so went headed back to bishan.. met bro for dinner.. i had teriyaki chicken.. bro had beef noodles.. i regret my chicken.. not nice wan..

baby jus a little msg for u if u happen to see this.. next time jus wait a little while longer.. and you'll hear from mi le okies..

tuesdae.. 30/08

daddy!! i love u!! happie birthday..

my baby started to feel unwell le.. fallin sick soon.. after work i headed to city hall.. wen to look for dear.. :) planned to go alter my pants.. but decided to skip the trip to orchard so i can meet dear faster.. i jus couldnt stand to go all the way to orchard make pants.. den go back to suntec again.. so happie saw dear.. waited.. watched tom and jerry wahaha.. farni.. den i saw june!! haha.. even farni.. chatted awhile..

i shake tear.. couldnt help gettin shocked.. baby dun give mi heart attacks anymore okies.. :) glad i din spoil the night.. :) after dear fang gong dear bring mi go eat dou hua.. nice nice.. bought mi dan dan tart too.. nice nice.. can feel baby wanna no more energy le.. accompanied mi a lil while den he went home le..

wed.. 31/08

had dinner wif mum and dad and bro.. at bar and billard restaurant.. those whu went before.. should noe the ambience is kinda warm.. and nice to sit ard and talk and talk and talk.. hhaha.. played billard too.. ya but i was foolin ard.. dad opened a bottle of red wine too.. but i dunno how to enjoy.. haha.. ya..

mybaby is on the back of my head.. went home earlier den usual as his feelin unwell..

thursday.. 1/09

my baby took a day off.. got an mc.. went to his place to visit him after work.. sat bus wif joey.. enjoyed the bus ride ger.. :) accompanied baby.. watched superstar wif him.. he was rather easily agitated but i guess he din realise it.. but its okie.. it's all coz of the mood swings arising from him not feelin well.. huggies baby.. fed him.. hee.. sick still eat rice.. ya.. i so lousy.. din bring him food or sort.. guilty strikes.. lucky my baby ate his rice and had his medicine.. din hav difficulty eating his rice.. if not i sure wan cry liaoz.. my baby sent mi down.. shouldnt even let him downstairs.. but he so stubborn.. even watch also bought le.. haiz.. dunno wat to say tt stubborn pig..

yes.. i did meet up wif dear last thursday.. it was splendid.. though i was bearing the pain on my neck and back.. it was worth it..

i went home after work to wait for dear.. and mins later dear called sayin his downstairs le.. off we went to marina south for steamboat.. yea.. den i was already experiencing the numbness to my limbs le.. got a little frightened.. din wan spoil the mood.. jj was ard.. so carried on eating.. later it got better le.. after dinner we all decided to go esplanade.. halfway thru jj bike no petr. le.. so he went off first loh..

yes so its jus me and dear on our way to esplanade.. yes.. its the first time jus the two of us.. trying to gao lang man.. wahhaa... dear was laffing at us tryin to act lo man tic huuh.. wahaha.. but we sat there by the waters.. and talked.. and talked.. and talked.. it was good.. to hav talks like these.. i wan more dear.. all these while dear massaging my back.. it feels good.. really.. but its still hurting once u stop again.. :'( i appreciate it anyway baby.. lub you.. wish time would jus hold there.. but i know good things comes to an end.. whether u wan it or not.. so when dear say its time to go.. though reluctant.. i jus quickly got off the seat and we left loh.. :) its better to leave it as that.. sweet little memories.. :)

den dear sent mi home.. bring mi to bed.. and accompanied mi the whole nite.. yea.. baby stayed over.. din go work on fri.. baby acc mi to the doc's.. even took off to acc mi.. how sweet can that be.. really felt like punchin myself to see if im dreaming.. anyway felt quite guilty though.. dear was having the remorse feeling that he shouldnt do that.. on attachment anywayz... so all the more he should be responsible bout his work.. but im beginning to feel that dear's gonna fall ill.. coz the hectic timetable he hav to follow.. not being able to adjust.. and looking at the time he goes to bed at nite.. its jus getting later and later.. wat can i do... haiz..

enjoyed the time spent together though.. den acc mi buy phone.. i bought panasonic .. VS2.. nice appearance.. handy.. its a flip.. like it anywayz.. pei dear home den dear pei mi home.. wahahha..