fcuked up!!

i had a glimpse of myself in the future.. behaving the way jus like my mother is.. i fear it would be reality.. i feel more like her.. especially when i shouted and lost myself the other nite.. i became so ridiculously unreasonable.. had the feeling of hatred, annoyance, disturbed and lonely all at once.. no one.. NO ONE will ever understand.. how it would hav felt..
jus like a small helpless littly fly.. being smacked to the bottom of the ground.. no one will ever notice.. no one will ever bother.. no one to empathaise or even sympathise on.. pathetic.. tts mi..

had this feelin so strong.. *&^%$#@!

i appreciate ppl whu care for mi and loves mi.. but do they care and love mi for whu i am? or are all human jus another bunch of hyprocrates??

i feel...
dear needs to be taken care of.. dear needs attention.. everyone needs attentions.. dear wans a good girl.. who listen's to him.. all his do's and dont's.. dear needs someone whu can give more.. more than mi.. all these.. i feel i cant achieve.. as im growing more towards learning the attitude of mother... this irks mi.. a whole lot.. how to explain? how to expect one to understand when u cant even explain it on ur own?? help..

i feel...
i need to be taken care off too.. i need attention too.. i wan someone to listen to my nonsence too.. someone who can give so much not askin any for return.. sounds like im askin for god.. maybe i should ask for god's help.. its been a long time since i last talked to god in heart and share wif him.. help..

i feel tired.. emotionally, physically and mentally..

i feel im being a nuisance.. im giving up hope.. on myself.. leaving it all plainly to fate.. for it to tell mi the directions in life..

it was a close shave..back den on jiu yue jiu hao.. (9Sep) dear say.. all those.. it felt so so real.. to mi its jus like a truth le.. please dun ever let history repeat again okies.. its hard for mi to feel alright again.. dun u know.. even till the next day.. i dun even feel natural callin u dear anymore..

i feel as though we are already going on seperate ways.. even though we met that nite..
i was contented and relieved when u finally open your mouth and finally spoke to mi.. so happie that i realise i got u back to my side..cant wait to see you.. so happie i got choke tryin to tell u im glad u finally spoke to mi.. but in the very next min.. im not at all happie..its feels so weird.. i feel im living on a chance only.. do u understand.. i feel im not loved anymore.. i hav caused u too much disappointment..

please dun let mi feel u dun wan mi anymore.. if so tel mi straight.. and tts it and i'll try not to cry and walk away forever le..okies.. or it'll feel weird.. u understand?

though u emphasized everything is fine already.. but im in the state of mixed feelings le.. already lost myself in thoughts le.. i need u to pull mi out from it..

since we seldom talk bout ur feelings.. i shall guess..
i guess u feel.. lost too..mus be asking youself wats happen to mi.. to begin changing.. and giving up on myself.. wheres the cute little innocent adeline.. why do i hav to add on to your endless stress at work and money and time.. and in time to come.. you're going to army.. maybe sumtimes u even wonder.. why in the first place.. mi?? why is it mi.. i feel.. u mus be very sad.. that i've changed.. and that u blamed yourself for not being able to guan wo.. you feel very lousy.. very tired too?? u wan a change in life.. cant wait for something big to happen.. to sickenin of this routine life le.. is that wat u're thinkin dear?? thinkin that why is it always so hard for mi to stay over your place even jus for one nite.. why so hard for mi to get my parents trust.. why do i hav to hav a family that behaves so differently from the rest of the familes.. why a weird family.. why do i hav to be the one u love and hate at the same time.. is that wat u thinking dear?? actually its quite fun though.. trying to guess what u could hav been thinkin all these while.. yea theres more.. i wanna be the worm in your brains in my next life.. so i can be in ur head all these while.. and yet know wat u're thinking all the time.. haha.. i mus be mad..

i miss you again.. im thinking of you again.. u're always on the back of my head.. above everything or anything i do.. always think bout u.. forgive mi for feelin scared.. but i feel im walking on thin ice.. i'll fall anytime.. are you thinking of mi.. do u ever miss mi.. maybe u did.. but i dunno only.. coz u wun say out too..

im slowly regaining conscious.. but i need u ard still.. help mi out.. okies??