sat.. blur

think i've not been writing since two weeks..

my papers are over.. last paper on fri.. last week.. it was the 15th of april.. dear came to sch to fetch mi.. he came from the bike shop.. we went to catch the movie..'the pacifier'.. it was good.. =) dear say no more horror movies wif him anymore le.. he dun like to watch.. and would also b a waste of money coz i watch also like din watch.. haha.. haiz.. den went to his place.. for dinner i think.. den we were in his room.. when i did the most shameful and terrible thing.. yep.. i sent a copy of an attachment of his things to myself.. all coz i want to hav a good look at it.. yes i simply jus wanna hav a good look at it.. in jus split seconds.. i had it done.. but i wasnt in the rite mind.. coz i din know wat i jus did.. i only hav thought bout wanting to hav a good look at it.. i jus wanna see it.. haiz.. i feel like him scoldin mi or wat.. i broke down.. i was so disgusted at myself.. yucks!! but dear..not only did he not scold mi or get angry.. he wiped off my tears.. and told mi..' dun worry ger.. i understand how u feel..'

couldnt believe my ears but.. that was it.. im so so sorry.. i jus couldnt help it.. i hope u really understand.. but im sorry too..

was bout to go home when dear ask if i wan tag along to meet jj.. den we were soon at the coffee shop.. later we went to dou dou feng.. went to visit a sort of a temple to give some offerings or rather receive some blessings.. holy place.. open all round the clock i guess.. my first time.. hee.. den went along changi road.. we went to changi road.. changi beach.. saw dear's fren on one of the highways.. this fren of his drivin a BMW converter.. hmm.. how i wish i had money.. lotsa money.. hee.. wish.. had the longest nite out wif dear.. another one day to remember..

rested on sat.. went to work on sundae..

mondae..18/4

met dear after his sch.. accompanied dear to HPB.. donated blood.. im so proud of dear.. really.. beneath his thick skin of chauvanist.. is his delicate skin of warmth and caring.. this is my dear..

haha thick-skinned.. dear's gonna scold mi if he see's this.. but i believe he understand my context.. hee..

tuesdae..19/4

went to work..

wednesdae..20/4

woke up to dear's cal.. says he's coming over.. i jus like this feeling.. went to bath.. get ready.. soon dear reach le.. we went back to his place to get some stuff before headin to suntec..

walk walk.. went to bata.. in search for a pair of 'love at first sight' slippers.. but no.. dun have.. sooff we went to the biggest bata store ard singapore i know so far.. also in tt area.. we went to search.. still no slippers.. but my dear manage to get a glimpse of the guy whu took my number.. whu almost coz mi to lose my dear.. haa.. abit scared and excited.. but i had dear wif mi.. no need scared.. hee..

i told dear we shall return to ps.. if the slippers we first saw is still there.. den its fated and we shall buy it.. and true enuff.. its there.. hee.. dear bought a bigger size.. =) shall start to save up for many more things..

dear drop mi at party world.. had k session wif f3 and vash and gerald.. gonna miss ma frens those whu are in diff path now.. irene sent to work at expo.. event planner.. haiz.. so far.. fana also.. dunno where she sent to.. hmm..

thursdae..21/4

met sis in the afternoon.. acc her for an interview.. end up i really literally accompany her for the interview.. and guess wat.. we both got selected.. it really got us so happie and excited.. all unplanned but we made it happen to work together again.. so happie i cant wait to let dear know.. but.. but but.. i din let dear know in the first place.. so like wat i expected.. pissed dear off again.. true to a certain extend.. i did not think carefully.. but its coz the workin hrs are short.. and pay is flexible.. and most importantly i'll be workin wif sis!! im not alone dear no need worry.. and the manager took good care of us and made sure we are together..

but makin mi chose.. i'd rather give up this second job and not lose dear in the end..sis also ask mi faster msg the manager and tell dear its all back to normal again.. but the extra income.. haha.. haiz.. im so sorry sis.. we'll hav chance again in the near future okies.. gonna miss all the fun workin together.. u and wenyu take care okies.. shall meet again soon..

fridae..22/4

went to work.. dear came to fetch mi.. =)
so hapie seein dear.. bet his tired.. his back in sch.. one week of sch jus over.. he should still be adjusting to books and lectures and tutorials.. after a whole sem of attachment.. now its my turn.. my challenge.. to wake up so darn early for the next eleven weeks.. haiz.. god bless mi..

sat..23/4
today.. went to work too.. jus came home only..

haiz.. haiz.. thinkin back.. its quite an alright week for mi.. i jus dun wann a tok bout the previous week.. its been a roller coaster ride for mi.. dear had been my motivation to study for exam.. but i jus cant piece my heart and mind on studies.. knowin dear and mi not alright.. had a real hard time the previous week.. so many many misunderstandings all together at once.. im jus glad things seem okie now.. i jus dun wan to spoil anything any further.. i love u dear.. we're gonna get thru all this shit together okies..

u take care dear..

fuckit..

its been awhile..

next sem schedule out le.. my class was amongst one chosen to go for attachment first..
i'll be on tep first.. aini will be in fypj.. while fana will go out to ipp first.. gonna miss her lots.. coz i wun get to see her.. mayb for the next three months.. wonder if ger will get her overseas attachment..

in the midst of examinations now.. last paper comin up on friday..
[>.<].. software engineering practices.. (down)
[>.<].. marketing research..on 15/4

stayed up late last week tue.. chatted while tryin to study.. chatted wif yiling.. had a long nice chat wif tt ger.. miss her too.. above all.. im glad things are already fine wif she and her dear.. and not forgettin irene.. helped mi a great deal..simply wif jus few words..wun forget wat u said..
'...and we wont die on you!
one day, youll have to do the same thing okay. so just enjoy the love youre getting from us...'
yea.. im so loved rite.. hee..

above all.. i know tt things are quite on the surface le.. we manage to talk alittle on an evening.. like never before.. dear jus say tt i hav to accept him the way he is loh.. ya.. like i told myself.. its mi tt hav to change.. not him.. met dear.. tt day.. went to the movies.. miss congeniality.. nice show.. it was suppose to be my treat.. but it turned out the other way round.. and i got a nice present from dear.. an mp3 player!! i told aini first.. and she too so happie and jealous for mi.. told yiling and we both agree on something..

dear's so sweet.. and he can be sweet when he wans.. ya but its not an everytime thing..

these few days dear has been feelin rather lethargic.. down.. restless.. tired.. but he kept assuring mi.. if he did not notice.. he was definitely not the same.. little more affectionate and all den before.. even came to fetch mi from work yesterday.. when he specially left work place earlier so he could find time to finish his report.. later still drop by at meridien.. and he bought mi a drink.. guess he remembered i felt like drinkin.. but not anymore.. coz its been too long i've waited.. but still i liked it.. hope we can drink more often together again.. but wif public transport and not on the bike later kkz.. walked mi home and tt was again very sweet of him.. coz im expected to be dropped by the stariway only.. and dear was already deadbeat..

thinkin back these few days.. all things turnin better.. and i hav to fuckin spoil it.. msg dear early in the mornin ard seven i think.. coz i was awaken by bro.. decided to msg dear.. before i slept back.. soon i was msg dear again.. tellin him im goin out..to meet a fren to get something.. dear called.. rite away.. so glad to even hear his voice.. all went well after dear specially made a trip down to bishan to run my errand for mi instead.. den he came over.. another special trip jus to return mi my stuff.. told mi to go downstairs immediately.. i went straight to wash up.. but bfore i could change.. i hear his bike honkin and my phone ringing.. went downstairs.. and it started.. after dear had his piece of mind.. he turned and went off.. called much much later.. to say he jus reach sch.. den he ask if im angry.. why should he ask if im angry if he thinks im the one at fault.. and why do i hav to answer him back like never before.. i was rude to dear.. maybe for the first time.. i totally wrecked it..

i dun wanna push my luck.. jus hope i din piss dear over the limit.. but.. haiz.. watever lah.. it jus spoilt my whole day..wan a time machine to turn back the clock.. haiz.. im sorry.. guess u're trainin away le.. read my mail yet?? dun be too late home.. take care on the road..

..

fridae.. 1/4

april fool's day.. thanx benson for ur msg.. u remind mi its april fool.. still rememberin last yr.. dear played a joke say he dun wan mi le.. haha.. yea but tt was one yr ago..

its friday.. yes!! finally!! i've been waitin.. wan so much to go out..wif dear.. to go sentosa play at the beach.. to jus lie down and relax.. wan to catch a movie.. wan to go swimmin.. wan to go walk the esplanade.. wif dear.. but realise i gotta work.. and dears going back home to visit the next day.. dear asked mi go work.. so i went to work loh..

after work.. dear called mi..ask mi where am i.. and told mi his at the bus stop by the roadside.. dear came to fetch mi!! dear.. is it why u wanted mi to go work so much?? coz u wanna fetch mi home?? ran over and hop onto his bike.. from orchard.. to bishan.. never did i expect us to be on the road.. on the highways.. wif so many cars and traffics ard.. i feel we've come a long way.. since sec sch.. suddenly miss takin bus or train home wif dear..

reached home.. dear was already msging.. all the way..

dear carried mi into my room.. saw the bottle of perfume.. and the box of chocolates.. yea they're meant for him.. it was meant to cheer him up.. he's jus feelin down these few days.. and im hopin to cheer him up.. but i din think it would turn out a disaster.. i wish for a time machine to turn back the clock.. i jus dunno how to approach u le..

baby im sorry i kicked u so hard.. and im sorry i kicked ur back it hurt so much.. im sorry i turn things out so ugly.. im sorry i gave u the chance to misunderstand mi.. i din walk out on u.. i merely wanna go wash up.. but when i return i see u walkin out on mi instead.. so i went after u.. but it hurts when u ask mi to go away.. i jus cant speak up.. coz i din like to see u tt way..its been so long.. since u flared up..

baby.. im lost for words.. someone please help mi piece everything down..i feel it will soon suface.. everything..

baby.. u know how i feel when its regarding ur best fren.. i din wanna keep emphasizing.. coz im afraid u might not let mi know of ur wherabouts anymore for fear i would get jealous or angry wif u.. u know time and again im so pleased wif u for letting mi know u are wif her or when u are going to find her or when u are going for movies wif her.. coz it shows u still feel comfortable with tellin mi all these.. i din wan to make things worse till u are gonna hide things from mi jus so tt i wun feel out of place..u understand wat im sayin?? i wan u the way u are.. i wan u to tell mi things jus like u are now.. but i also wan u to know how i feel.. but i dun wan u to change after knowin how i feel.. all these.. i believe u know..

i know u are wat u are..u're not the sort whu talk alot whu like sharin.. u dun like the feelin of tellin others wat u are thinkin.. u feel it wun help much.. u think its useless.. u are so used to keepin things to urself.. so wat am i here for?? ever thought bout mi?? bout puttin urself in my position?? how would u feel?wat would u do?if its u?.. everythin..

u said this is not the way to keep a healthy relationship.. coz u say i jus write all on blog.. not u.. hav u noticed i wore the pants tt u bought for mi??have u noticed that im wearing two rings now instead of one?? did u even see??so many ppl saw.. but not u.. i think its too much to notice a ring.. too small.. how would i expect u to notice my everythin.. dun be so unreasonable adeline.. everytime i get a msg.. i wished so hard its u.. but nine out of ten times it isnt u..

i dun used to share either.. coz i will jus bottle everythin up.. but its u whu tot mi to share.. yet its u whu dun.. help mi to understand this..

baby.. i too used to keep things to myself.. all things.. coz i find it hard to open up.. coz people are scary.. cant be trusted.. i dun like to be cheated on.. dun like the feelin of puttin my secrets with others.. till u used to drill mi wif so much questions.. till u cried the very first time.. when we're still in sec sch.. guess u forgot le.. u cried tellin mi how worried u were coz i did not inform u where the hell did i go.. why not even a phone call or sms to let u know where i go?? from den u made mi feel the necessity of letting u know of my wherabouts.. my everything.. but do u dear?? i do not ask much last time.. coz i do not feel threatened den.. why i ask.. coz i care.. coz i wanna know.. coz i wan u to share.. becoz i feel threatened now.. but dear.. to you.. its not impt if i know or not..

im losin it.. i need u to help mi..to accept her as ur fren.. and stop feelin weird.. and threatened.. maybe till now i may seem to be but im actually not tt open enuff wif u.. coz im afraid of makin u angry.. end up turnin to blog.. coz im afraid of losing you..end up keepin things from u.. i need u to help mi.. coz im droppin that imp thing soon.. help mi dear..

after u asked mi to go home.. i went up the stairs..into the house and into my room.. and i started to cry.. i wished u followed mi up.. i wished u walk mi into my room.. and tell mi not to cry.. and tell mi tt everythings gonna b fine.. i called out to u.. hopin u would answer mi.. and tell mi to go slp.. but i jus keep callin out.. to no one.. i din wan to open my eyes to see no one ard.. keep hopin u are jus sittin behind mi.. keep hopin u will appear..but no..(u understand tt kind of expecting feelin??) i cried hard.. i need to know u are safe at home..finally tell myself to stop being stupid and wish u are there..i called u.. guess u're watchin tv.. den i tot im really stupid.. jus stupid..

baby..like wat ger say.. i feel u still care.. worry bout mi.. u called mi.. when u're leavin.. when u're boardin the train.. and made four overseas call jus to tell mi where are u.. jus to let mi know u are fine.. baby.. thanku.. u could've not bothered at all.. u could hav jus left without a word and not call.. but u din..

u said im not the same.. u said im different in the last call.. u asked mi wat happen.. baby tell mi wat i dunno.. tell mi pls.. dun make mi think anymore.. grandma asked bout u today.. if u're comin over to stay.. asked why my eyes swollen.. coz i lapse into cryin again when i woke up at 5.30pm.. den i fall asleep again till 8.30pm... yea.. i cry and slp practically the whole day.. dunno why but i dunno how to face u le.. like i've embarassed myself enuff in front of u.. dear i noe u have been tryin hard to change.. to learn to trust another again.. to share wif mi.. but i dun wan u to try so hard till u dun feel comfortable.. i dunno how to say.. im really lost..

i jus spoil everything everytime things go well.. i jus wan to end the day wif a simple conversation wif u.. i jus wan to end my day everyday nicely.. but i dunno why do i always have to turn every conversation so sour.. and spoil every visit u make to my place.. help mi.. i dun wan things this way... cant blame u if u dunno wat i wan.. coz i dunno either..

baby.. im sorry.. for giving u so much trouble.. for messing up so much things.. i really feel messed up.. im not ready to let u see mi in this state.. baby.. im sorry.. i love you.. goodnight..

pls come back soon.. kuai dian hui lai.. im sorry.. im sorry.. im sorry..

in sch.. stayin back to try complete ITIPJ report.. deadline by monday.. im so glad.. things are over.. all presentation.. all project submisison.. project demo.. even got phobia of stepin into the com labs already..

dear had a good talk wif his di and mei on tuesday.. sat and look from the opposite as dear talk wif them.. i feel a sense of responsibility suddenly thrown heavily onto dear.. with all the attitudes and happenings that dear witness from di and mei.. he suddenly look so sad and down and seem to have grown into a state of isolate.. sure hope things turn out fine.. aniwae.. i got gastric.. as i've not eaten the whole day and day before.. except for the miserable plate of hokkien noodle at amk wif celine and yuanyuan..

had my worst mightmare.. project demo.. glad its over.. though its trash.. din get a chance to run thru once.. argh.. forget it..

dear waited for mi yest.. after his sch.. he came over to acc mi wif my work.. did executive summary.. i less than five mins.. was a helluva rush.. had to do report for xml assignment.. made dear saw the worst state im in.. i sure do look like shit.. not a good sight at all.. aniwae.. went over for dinner at dear place.. den dear sent mi home le.. hugged.. felt so so good.. where's my time machine when i need it!!! saw dear turn back and left..

shall blog till here..