baby..

i jus had a little arguement wif bro..
..
i miss you..

its hard.. its really hard.. for mi to try get all inside and not be able to let it out.. i used to think that listening to his side will do.. so long as i understand his reasons and explanations.. there's no need for him to understand how i feel.. coz i tot that was nv important..

but it seemed harder each time..

as i got to be so cautious.. of my every little action and make sure i wasnt too crude with my words or actions to provoke him further.. can u imagine? i cant even be myself when i quarrel or hav an arguement wif him.. i got to be careful.. jus so i dun irritate him further.. will he understand that? will he understand my effort? its not easy.. really..

the reason why? tts because im too scared of him.. im too scared of getting into a quarrel wif him.. coz its always not fair.. he always ALWAYS get his side of the story explained and understood.. but i was nv heard or understood.. and i hav to chose to go quiet.. why? coz its useless trying to explain to someone when he or she is already angry or not having an open mind to listen..

once i say something thats against him.. he will straight away shoot back wif his supporting reasons.. den when will i ever get my whole side of the picture out? why is it always u get to jus be yourself and be excused but when if im the one being myself.. i would be deemed as an "ah lian"? wun he be a gangster? wun he be the one irritating brat or watever names i wanna call? why is it that once u wan to talk u can talk.. but i gotta wait till u finish your say? why do i always hav to get ur picture but u can go without bothering bout how i feel when u said u did? wat gives u the rite to say i dun understand u when i too feel u do not understand mi too?

u are jus too emotional. too soft. u said u changed.. yea u did.. quite a fair bit i would say.. but its not enuff to keep u going if u still remain this persistent and stubborn and impatient im telling u.. u hav to know one thing.. that is.. if u wan to speak, that does not mean others hav got no choice but to listen.. this is reality. and not a forum.. where u can type and say all u wan and be hear.. and at least get things out.. u gotta learn how to analyse things and start looking at yourself.. its jus silly when we hav to be so precise and exact with our words..

i know u hav good vocab but dun hav to be so formal wif mi at home.. and pls dun always say i deny.. let mi ask u.. can u take it lying down if i were to keep insisting that u were denying yourself? i bet u would go crazy.. tts another one thing u've gotta change.. i took in all the shit u said bout mi.. but i bet u cant stay quiet and let others say things bout u.. u are.. jus so... explosive.. and to think u could even be so emotional that u teared upon not being able to explain yourself jus coz u cant remember things well.. let mi say one thing more.. if u can forget i can also forget things i wanna say to explain myself alrite.. so dun be selfish.. its jus getting more and more irritating if this goes one.. there can nv be one time when i would jus be myself explaining my arguements wif u.. i will always hav to hold a nice face for u.. so that i dun provoke u.. u see.. this is how scared i am of u.. but i din like it bro.. i miss da.. sometimes i think i leave a very bad impression on u.. to think u could actually tell mi that u imagine yourself strangling mi.. why? jus coz i stop u from carry on explaining? grow up la.. u said u change.. den try to analyse the situation ard u first can?

when was it the one time u would agree to my explainations? nv! u will always hav things to say.. but do u ever said anything bout urself? this is not mi when i quarrel or hav arguement.. this is not the way to go.. coz i cant get things off my chest that way.. i would nv be satisfied wif the ending.. u will always get ur thoughts out and den i will be left alone to cry the nite away and blame myself for not speaking and explaining for myself.. but would i rather u get more pissed and provoked? i think i love u too much to see u getting hurt or in pain.. to be giving in to u..

yea i ocnsider myself giving in to you.. coz i shut up and listen.. and its LISTEN not jus hear.. its always after the arguement i will be so unsatisfied wif myself but left wif no choice but to accept things the way it is.. why i always connect things from one situation to another? coz it would jus rake up the past from memories ago.. trying to use them as examples to show u how impossible can u be.. but its jus hard.. really.. i really hate this side of u.. u disgust mi..

wat hav i said to u to make mi deserve the ahlian title and those things u said bout mi denying myself and my character..ever thought how i would feel not? u are already throwing mi a challenge by saying all those.. imgaine i say all those bout u? u wun get angry ah? on top of that i already keep quiet and ask u to stop saying and explaining coz i hav no interest for know at the moment.. den u hav to force mi to listen by giving mi that crying face and saying wat not satisfied.. den wat? i satisfied ah? aint i supposed to be the one to talk? haiz.. all for jus wanting to ask u to let the matter rest and stop argueing?? isnt it fucked up? one word. fuck.. really.. u said u wanna give up on the relationship.. again u nv thought how i would feel den jus anyhow spout nonsense? u know how much that matters to mi? how sad it is to hear this shit? it jus show u dun care anymore.. can i say u dun care anymore? u nv once apologise for ur rashness or make mi feel u care bout the both of us.. to mi u are jus concern bout saving the misunderstanding and makeing urself in the clear again.. tts it... i really loved u too much.. im really disappointed.. im sorry man.. haiz..

theres jus too much to be jus typed out.. its hard.. pls say u dun mean it when u say u wanna give up.. its tiring.. to always be the one to initiate.. its tiring to try to accomodate all ALL the time.. i had enuff.. i was jus telling monica how close we were and things we do at nite together.. how i treasure u and things.. and this is happening.. yea u're jus making mi feel lousy and bad tts all.. u know it.. thanx ah..